Though popular culture is replete with supposed examples of intellectual and behavioral differences between the sexes, only a few, like higher physical aggression in men, have been borne out by scientific research." - (Michael Price, Science Mag/Brain & Behavior)
How is that I can see and plan things months in advance for work, finances and housing needs but I can't seem to find the jar of pickles right in front of me in the fridge?
Ladies, if you've been married for at least a day, you've probably experienced a similar scenario:
ME: My love, I can't find the pickles. Did you grab some from Trader Joe's?
My WIFE: Yes, they're behind the jelly on the right side.
ME: I can't see them. Are you sure?
WIFE: Yes, check the first shelf. I bought two jars.
ME: Umm, no...I don't see anything.
WIFE: (At this point, she calmly and confidently paces over to the fridge, extends her arm inside almost without looking and pulls out the pickle jar...the one right in front of me.)
Yeah, we may be tempted to point to science & research, like this article or this one, as reasons behind this apparent incompetence, but we don't have to go so far. If anything, it's only part of the equation. I choose to look at it from a more practical perspective. And, believe it or not, there's hope.
So, down to basics.
WHY CAN'T HE FIND ANYTHING?
1. He's Probably Thinking About Something Else
Perhaps your husband doesn't tell you a lot of things and/or you probably wish he'd communicate his 'feelings' more but the reality is, he has a lot on his mind and heart. Every man is wired differently but at any given point there could be a number of things he's trying to solve or work out in his head; bills, challenges at work, something to do with the car, how's he's going to handle the issue at school with your son/daughter, planning that vacation you've been talking about, and so on. He doesn't want these things (and the like) to impact you negatively. So he just avoids it. In doing so, he crams it in and by the time he gets to the fridge or wherever it is he's searching for something, he forgot what he's looking for.
2. He Just Doesn't Want To (But There's a Reason)
Simply put, he doesn't feel like it. But there may be a reason for it. Men hate to fail. And they don't like being wrong about something. If they have even a hint of doubt about being able to find something (tools, phone, wallet, food, etc.) they probably won't even try. In general, men grow up learning to conquer, to accomplish, to get things done. It's no different for something as simple as finding a pickle jar.
3. He Would Rather Have You Get It Instead
(Guilty.) Sometimes he might just use this 'Honey, I can't find it' tactic to get you to find it instead, because he knows you can. It's not necessarily that he's lazy, he just knows that you'll get to it quicker. Call it: Being efficient! LOL Remember, men don't mind delegating work (fine, call it passing the buck) and usually get irritated when having to wait. So, from their perspective, they just want it done.
WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?
1. Not Much...But Don't Despair!
Giving him a hard time about it won't make it better. If he's been doing this for years, it's not something that will change over night, if ever. Talk with other women about it and see how they handle the issue (if they say it doesn't exist in their household they're probably lying). Next time it comes up just breathe (inhale/exhale a few times). Tell God about your feelings before sharing them with your husband. Do a quick self-check; Have you ever failed or not been able to find something (be honest)? Then, when the time is right, talk with him about it.
2. Have Him Clean & Organize Everything in the House, by Himself
Thankfully, Daniela has never had me do this (but the threat is real...and now that she's read this and we've talked about it, she probably will!). How can this method help? By physically touching and putting away everything, he has to make a connection between what it is he's putting away and where he's putting it. Visual and kinesthetic learning. For men, this usually works. Also, men hate carrying blame so, generally speaking, you can be sure that he'll pay attention because he doesn't want you questioning him when you ask where something is. Something that he himself put away!
3. Refer to God's Blueprint
Like it or not, you'll be his helper 'as long as you both shall live' (I know what you might thinking...He sure needs it!). That's one of the reasons you were created, to be a help suitable for him (see Genesis 2:18). If you ask me, this is actually God showing much honor to the wife. I mean, think about it...you don't see Him telling Eve that Adam was made for her as a helper (even though, he was). So, as frustrating as it might be, hang in there. You have a God who is Omniscient and has written the blueprint on how to cope with people with problems; last time I checked, that's all of us. He can handle it.
Keep the Fire Burning,
PS - Got to cut it short...I have some organizing to do. =)
with Danny & Daniela Kovacs
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