 King Solomon and his Shulamite wife had a relationship that many married couples would probably like to have (if you haven't read Song of Solomon, go read it). What was at the heart of their relationship? The Shulamite revealed one of the key characteristics. Speaking of her husband, she declared, "This is my beloved, and this is my friend" (Song 5:16). Friendship was clearly at the foundation of their marital relationship and probably had to do a lot with their romance and intimacy.
Whether you've been married for 30 years or 30 weeks, this is an important question to consider: Why do some married couples stop being friends? I've made an inventory from my own experience and from observing couples around us. Here's a short list: 1) He/She/Both stopped meeting with God regularly 2) Something or someone else got them more excited and 'stole' their attention 3) They stopped doing things together 4) The husband settled for the low bar of simply being a provider (such a misused and misinterpreted term) 5) The wife settled for the low bar of simply being, well, a wife (she is so much more, not to get cliche or anything but read Proverbs 31) 6) Children became more important (sometimes even used as an excuse not to spend time together; a huge No-No!) 7) They stopped surprising each other (Remember how you'd do things for each other? Unplanned, spontaneous things...) 8) They stopped praying together 9) They wanted some 'space' (whatever that means); They started living independently, like a single person 10) They talked and listened to each other less and less (with their eyes, ears, and heart) How can a husband and wife be friends again?  If you think dating websites and social media apps are destroying relationships today, you would have steered clear of cars in the 1900s (pun intended). Cars didn’t just speed up a historical shift from teenage codependence to independence, they fed the growth of an entire sub-culture.
Think about it: Buses began to drive students further from their homes. One-room schoolhouses eventually gave way to large buildings (schools) filled with unsettled crowds of adolescents and their hormones.* According to historians and spiritual leaders, this is pretty much what started the moral decay of young men and women of teen age years and what eventually led to, or influenced in some way, the sexual revolution of the 1960's in the USA. Things have come a long way since then. They are way worse. There is a new line being crossed When talking with a younger couple, not yet married, it does not take long to get a sense of whether or not they have passed the line. (I know, some of you are thinking, Did he just go there?) What does a loving husband look like? Someone who provides financially for his wife and family, cuts the grass regularly, maintains the house, plans good vacations and saves up for the future? It's a rhetorical question, really.
These are all good things but certainly not sufficient. Let's take a look at the greatest example of a loving 'husband.' Ephesians 5:28 - Husband, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the Church, and gave Himself for it. Husbands - That's the WHO. If you're a husband, reflect on what follows (see below). If you are a wife, send this to your husband or read it together =) Love your wives - That's the WHAT. There's nothing more important as a husband. You may think you know how to love your wife but it's an area in which you should always be growing. As Christ loved - That's the HOW. God has not left it up to us to know how to love our wife. He left us an example. There's no need for confusion, reinvention or worry. Christ paved the way! Gave Himself - That's the MEASURE. There is no greater love. He gave His life for us! Jesus showed us what courageous love looks like. He loved his bride, the Church, and give Himself for her. We, husbands, must do the same. Here are some of the disciplines and attitudes a husband must embrace to reflect the courageous love of Christ. 1. Do the will of God In Hebrews 10:9 we read of Jesus, Here I am, I have come to do your will. Jesus did the will of God. Whose will are you doing? Think about it. Every day, we have the choice of following our way or the Master's way. Psalm 40:8 it says, I delight to do Your will, O my God, and Your law is within my heart. Part of doing the will of God is storing up the Word of God! The two are inseparable. If I am not delighting in doing the will of God, it's most likely because I'm not delighting in reading the Word of God.
2. Take time to be alone with God Taking time to be alone from your wife or family, just for the sake of it, or to escape responsibilities, is absolutely selfish. But taking time to be alone with God is refreshing, empowering, and beneficial to you, your wife and your family. If you want to lead and love with courage, meet with God. Luke 5:16 - Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed. If Jesus withdrew often to be alone with God, I need to as well!
3. Point your wife to God In Jesus' prayer, in John chapter 17, we read in verse six: I have revealed you to those whom you gave me out of the world. Want to be a courageous husband? Lead your wife to God. You can't reveal God to her, only the Holy Spirit can do that, but you can guide her, equip her, and encourage her. In verse 8 of the same chapter, we read, For I gave them the words you gave me and they accepted them.
4. Pray for her Verse nine in John 17 says, I pray for them. Jesus prayed for his disciples. And Scriptures says He is at the right hand of the Father and he is still praying (see Rom.8:34). He prays for you and I! What an honor and blessing. As a husband, I can lead with courageous love by praying for my wife.
5. Protect her John 17:11,12 - Holy Father, protect them by the power of your name, the name you gave me, so that they may be one as we are one. While I was with them, I protected them and kept them safe by that name you gave me. Husband, how can you protect your wife?
These are just a few ways I can lead and love my wife with courage, by following the example of Christ. These principles are great for a new husband nervous about his new role or for the men that want to be a husband someday. But they are also a timeless reminder for all the married men. And to all of you, I say... Keep the fire burning, Danny  Sex is holy (set apart for a specific purpose). In marriage, it is a beautiful gift, and we honor God, the Giver, when we accept the gift with joy and enthusiasm. A husband and wife honors Him when they cultivate physical, spiritual and emotional intimacy.
We miss His heart when we think, believe, and/or make statements such as: He gave us marriage just to make us holy, Sex is strictly for having children, Spiritual intimacy is what matters, and the like. To be clear, marriage is not all about having sex. And the couple, or spouse, who clings to this expectation will be quickly disappointed. But sex needs to be a part of your marriage (God says so) and it needs to be understood if it is to be enjoyed. Sex doesn’t create intimacy, it is a result of intimacy. You can’t fix a frail marriage by having more sex. Intimacy is created and maintained mainly by your emotional and spiritual connection. This includes but is certainly not limited to: the way you speak to one another, how often you speak and how deep the discussions are, how you look at each other, how you spend time together, the things you share or don't share with one another (fears, dreams, pain, frustrations, unforgiveness, etc.), the spiritual disciplines that you practice together (prayer, fasting, worship, Bible reading, serving, etc.), and so on. There are many things that can hinder this connection, some of which arise from the normal day-to-day activities and stresses of life such as work or family responsibilities, sickness, or physical exhaustion. Don't be quickly discouraged or scared when you see that you have not been sexually active for a while. At the same time, don't neglect it! That can and will create other problems down the road. Other factors to this emotional & spiritual intimacy may include impure thoughts or behaviors from one or both partners (pornography, fantasies, personal struggles), problems from the past that have never been addressed and resolved, or external factors such as issues at work, conflict with relatives, tragic or unforeseen experiences, or spiritual laziness/neglect. Young married couples especially need to understand that a healthy sexual relationship has little to do with frequency. At the beginning of our marriage, that was my mindset - it's all about frequency. Frequency is important, but it is not the primary gage for the emotional health of your relationship. To give a negative example, consider the wife who agrees to having sex whenever her husband wishes, but she is never fully engaged. She does it just to get it over with. That does no good. The husband, in this case, should be sensitive to this, refrain from being led by his physical desires, and begin to focus his attention on cultivating emotional intimacy. Sex has much more to do with intimacy than frequency. Here are some questions and areas to consider:
Husbands and wives, want to be pleasing to God? Cultivate emotional and spiritual intimacy first and it will allow you to cultivate and experience physical intimacy. Keep the fire burning, Danny ------- Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Cor.7:1-5) Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well. Should your springs be scattered abroad, streams of water in the streets? Let them be for yourself alone, and not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love. (Prov.5:15-19)  Here is a link to a short video Daniela and I shared on Instagram, especially for young couples who are not yet married. When is it appropriate to say the 'L' word? Here are two Biblical tips...
Video: When to say 'I love you'  We asked the infamous question singles around the world have been asking for ages...How do I know if he/she is the one? (i.e. the person I should marry).
We got some good answers from our friends! Take a look at our IG post for details... FINDING THE ONE Hollywood has got to go.
The Word of God contains examples of life's greatest love stories, faith, forgiveness and hope. We can't run to secular sources to teach us how to live a sanctified life. We'll never discover the riches of His Word and the powerful guidance it provides if we don't search it out! From stories of disobedience, sin, quarrels, to repentance and restoration, the Bible is a light for our path. Whether you've been married 30 years and think you have it together or you're getting ready to say 'I do', come to the altar of marriage with us. It's the place where we make the decision to seek His ways for all our days - for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health... In this series, we’ll be uncovering the examples of (at least) 10 marriages in the Bible. We'll observe lessons of love and commitment that stand the test of time. Join us and learn what you can do to keep God at the center of your marriage...and to keep the fire burning! So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them. - Genesis 1:27-28 |
ABOUTShort, Biblical lessons and free resources on all things love & marriage. A pocket-guide for married couples and for single adults who want Gods best for their life. ARCHIVES
June 2024
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