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In our marriage journey, Daniela and I have found a meaningful way to nurture our relationship. Instead of the traditional date nights, which occur sporadically, we have chosen to prioritize regular, intentional time together. This approach works for us but we're not imposing it on others. You need to find your own meaningful method.
Rather than just setting aside specific "date nights," we integrate quality time into our daily and weekly routines. This method helps us stay connected and grow together. What Does This Look Like? Before I loved my wife, Daniela, I liked her.
I enjoyed talking with her and getting to know her. We shared common interests, had similar convictions, and deep, lively conversations seemed to come naturally. (She was also from the same town where my Dad grew up, that helped with the connection. He was proud.) We were able to laugh and cry together. I saw myself building a life together with her and dreamed of things I wanted to do. Not much has changed. Except now we have bills. And two boys that need to be raised. And a master closet that needs to be remodeled. What keeps us together is stronger than just liking each other (God's love and grace has everything to do with it) but we wouldn't be where we are today without having first liked each other (God's love and grace had everything to do with that as well). Although He has strengthened our relationship far beyond casual talk and dreams, we had small beginnings. Small but meaningful. For the couple out there who feels they've gotten out of touch with each other, you might need to get back to the liking phase. If you feel stuck, there's no point dwelling on what got you here. Talk about it. Pray about it. Tackle the problem(s), not the person. But don't dwell. Move on. Commit to change (i.e., repentance). Here are some simple suggestions you can start this week:
Keep the Fire Burning, Danny 2) Start and end your day with praise & thanksgiving
If you opened your eyes this morning and discovered that you still have breath, you have reason to rejoice! God gave you life, thank Him for it! Practice praise. Make it a priority at the start and end of each day. Sometimes, it may look something like wrapping your arms around each other in the morning, saying I love you, and thanking God for another day. Other times, it’s the two of you grabbing a coffee (or a nutritional beverage), sitting on the couch, and reading a Psalm together. And still other times it might just be enjoying a beautiful drive, a walk at a nearby park, or a trip through the mountains, or by the ocean, in awe of the Creator. From the very morning, as a couple, learn to turn your thoughts and focus upon God. It will put the rest of your day in proper perspective. Worship is the expression of adoration for God. It is an acknowledgement of His worth (and, oh, what unfathomable worth) and all that He is.  1. Intimacy doesn't start or end in the bedroom
Sex is holy (set apart for a specific purpose). In marriage, it is a beautiful gift, and we honor God, the Giver, when we accept the gift with joy and enthusiasm. A husband and wife honors Him when they cultivate physical, spiritual and emotional intimacy. And that's the key - all three of these areas must be cultivated.  Whether you recently got married or you've been married for several years, intimacy is important.
The men reading this probably thought immediately of sex. Yes, that's important, but keep in mind, it's a byproduct of spiritual and emotional intimacy, just as I wrote about HERE. I'm talking about intimacy in communication. Sharing, dreaming, exploring, challenging, learning, listening, explaining, and so much more. The problem is, it doesn't just happen. You have to work at it. Here's a simple tip: Don't start with verbal communication. Start with written communication. For the last few years, Daniela and I have been using a journal that we write in and then give back to each other. I even drew pictures in it to make it more creative and entertaining. Make it your own. I haven't wrote in it as much as I would have liked but it's getting better. The key is to keep it somewhat consistent and the purpose is to allow the written communication to spark/lead to verbal communication. Sometimes the entries are long and deep, other times they're short and simple. So, if you have a spouse who is not very talkative and finds it hard to keep a discussion, grab a journal. Or, even if both of you have no problems with verbal communication, this is still a great way to keep the fire burning! Start small, maybe a simple love note or a thoughtful 'thank you.' The back and forth creates a sense of excitement and the both of you start to look forward to the next entry. When you're done writing, place the journal in a spot where you know your spouse will see it, like on the table by their side of the bed or on an office chair. Again, make it your own!  King Solomon and his Shulamite wife had a relationship that many married couples would probably like to have (if you haven't read Song of Solomon, go read it). What was at the heart of their relationship? The Shulamite revealed one of the key characteristics. Speaking of her husband, she declared, "This is my beloved, and this is my friend" (Song 5:16). Friendship was clearly at the foundation of their marital relationship and probably had to do a lot with their romance and intimacy.
Whether you've been married for 30 years or 30 weeks, this is an important question to consider: Why do some married couples stop being friends? I've made an inventory from my own experience and from observing couples around us. Here's a short list: 1) He/She/Both stopped meeting with God regularly 2) Something or someone else got them more excited and 'stole' their attention 3) They stopped doing things together 4) The husband settled for the low bar of simply being a provider (such a misused and misinterpreted term) 5) The wife settled for the low bar of simply being, well, a wife (she is so much more, not to get cliche or anything but read Proverbs 31) 6) Children became more important (sometimes even used as an excuse not to spend time together; a huge No-No!) 7) They stopped surprising each other (Remember how you'd do things for each other? Unplanned, spontaneous things...) 8) They stopped praying together 9) They wanted some 'space' (whatever that means); They started living independently, like a single person 10) They talked and listened to each other less and less (with their eyes, ears, and heart) How can a husband and wife be friends again?  Sex is holy (set apart for a specific purpose). In marriage, it is a beautiful gift, and we honor God, the Giver, when we accept the gift with joy and enthusiasm. A husband and wife honors Him when they cultivate physical, spiritual and emotional intimacy.
We miss His heart when we think, believe, and/or make statements such as: He gave us marriage just to make us holy, Sex is strictly for having children, Spiritual intimacy is what matters, and the like. To be clear, marriage is not all about having sex. And the couple, or spouse, who clings to this expectation will be quickly disappointed. But sex needs to be a part of your marriage (God says so) and it needs to be understood if it is to be enjoyed. Sex doesn’t create intimacy, it is a result of intimacy. You can’t fix a frail marriage by having more sex. Intimacy is created and maintained mainly by your emotional and spiritual connection. This includes but is certainly not limited to: the way you speak to one another, how often you speak and how deep the discussions are, how you look at each other, how you spend time together, the things you share or don't share with one another (fears, dreams, pain, frustrations, unforgiveness, etc.), the spiritual disciplines that you practice together (prayer, fasting, worship, Bible reading, serving, etc.), and so on. There are many things that can hinder this connection, some of which arise from the normal day-to-day activities and stresses of life such as work or family responsibilities, sickness, or physical exhaustion. Don't be quickly discouraged or scared when you see that you have not been sexually active for a while. At the same time, don't neglect it! That can and will create other problems down the road. Other factors to this emotional & spiritual intimacy may include impure thoughts or behaviors from one or both partners (pornography, fantasies, personal struggles), problems from the past that have never been addressed and resolved, or external factors such as issues at work, conflict with relatives, tragic or unforeseen experiences, or spiritual laziness/neglect. Young married couples especially need to understand that a healthy sexual relationship has little to do with frequency. At the beginning of our marriage, that was my mindset - it's all about frequency. Frequency is important, but it is not the primary gage for the emotional health of your relationship. To give a negative example, consider the wife who agrees to having sex whenever her husband wishes, but she is never fully engaged. She does it just to get it over with. That does no good. The husband, in this case, should be sensitive to this, refrain from being led by his physical desires, and begin to focus his attention on cultivating emotional intimacy. Sex has much more to do with intimacy than frequency. Here are some questions and areas to consider:
Husbands and wives, want to be pleasing to God? Cultivate emotional and spiritual intimacy first and it will allow you to cultivate and experience physical intimacy. Keep the fire burning, Danny ------- Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1 Cor.7:1-5) Drink water from your own cistern, flowing water from your own well. Should your springs be scattered abroad, streams of water in the streets? Let them be for yourself alone, and not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love. (Prov.5:15-19) |
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June 2024
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